A Marriage Turned Around
Mary, 60, lives in St Leonards, East Sussex. A friend recommended she
speak to Martin Riley about some of the issues she was going through with her
marriage of fourteen years.
“The first time I spoke to
Martin, I was stressed and uptight and when he asked me to describe the issue I
was facing with my relationship,” says Mary. “I blurted out: ‘In a nutshell,
I’ve been married three times and all three of them are nutters and I just want
to walk away.’ Luckily Martin understood immediately!”
Mary was seriously looking to leave her marriage, which was making her miserable. Martin started his work with Mary by talking; asking probing questions to find out what was really making her angry and miserable and seeking to identify how she would really like her life to be, which turned out to be with her husband, but on a more equable basis.
For the first time in many
years, Mary was able to give voice to her frustrations and through her work
was able to learn how to turn complaints into requests.
“I kept pointing the finger
at everybody else rather than looking for a solution,” explains Mary. “Now I
can openly say what my boundaries are and how I feel about things.”
“Through Martin I’ve learned
that it’s OK to disagree and that we can still respect each other’s views; It’s
mostly about how to deliver that message. I’ve also learned how to stop people
feeling judged, even just through my body
language, which has really helped me in all sorts of relationships and
friendships.”
As Mary works in the arts,
she’s used to exploring visual concepts, so really connected with Martin’s
clever use of visual tools, from cups of water right through to rotten
vegetables, much to Mary's amusement:
“Virtually the first time I saw Martin he kept handing me cups of water, some full, some half full. We were laughing so hard there was water all over the kitchen but then it hit me what he was showing me, that I was trying to keep things full but I was also depleting things, in the same way that I do with relationships and people. Suddenly I could see that happening. At one moment I was laughing then I was crying; it was a real light bulb moment.
“Another time, Martin just kept handing me
pieces of rotten fruit! I ended up saying ‘I just want to throw it at your
head’ and he posed a question asking how long I was going to keep taking all
this rotten stuff in my life before saying enough is enough. That really struck
a chord and illustrated my problems perfectly.”
Through her work with Martin, Mary has completely changed her relationship with her husband, opening up
two-way communication and finding new opportunities and experiences together.
“Working with Martin has
seriously changed my life,” say Mary, “and my friends tell me I’ve changed so
much. I perceive things differently and instead of retreating inside when
someone upsets me, I’ll take a moment then go back and say something.
“Thanks to all the work I’ve
done with Martin, my marriage has turned around and it’s like we’re on
honeymoon now. I went to America for a month and I came home to a wonderful
man, the man I married 14 years ago – and it hasn’t changed since I got back.
We’re talking all the time and we’re treating each other very respectfully and
we’re madly in love again – I’m in a really good place!”